Pick Me Up
by GingerNinja05
Summary: Join Scout as he uses a variety of bad pick-up lines on Miss Pauling in an attempt to woo her. What could possibly go wrong? Amusement not ensured.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Team Fortress 2. **

**Warnings: Bad pick-up lines, innuendos **

**XxX**

"Hey Miss P, you ever notice that_ screw_ rhymes with _me_ and _you_?"

"Excuse me?"

"Uh, never mind. Hey! Would you look at the time!"

**XxX**

"Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, STAT!"

"If you are choking, you should go and see Medic. I'm sure he knows CPR,"

"On second thought, I'm okay now,"

**XxX**

"I was told you got the hots for me!"

"I guess you were misinformed, seeing as how I do not have the 'hots' for you,"

**XxX**

"If I followed you home, would you keep me?"

"I would call the cops and then request a restraining order if you were to do that,"

**XxX**

"I'm sorry, I'm an artist and it's my job to stare at beautiful women!"

"Scout, you are a mercenary, not an artist. Leave me alone and go bother someone else,"

"Well, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today,"

"_Scout,"_

**XxX**

"I'm new in town, could I get directions to your place?"

"You have been here for over a year, and no, you may not get directions to my place,"

**XxX**

"Reproducing, eh? Mind if I help?"

"Do me a favor and let me copy these files in peace, please,"

**XxX**

"Can I flirt with you?"

"No, you may not. And just how many times do I have to tell you to leave me alone?"

**XxX**

"I'm addicted to yes, and allergic to no. What's it gonna be?"

"You should probably ask Medic for an Epi-pen because my answer is no,"

**XxX**

"You know, if you were a fruit you'd be a_ FINEAPPLE_,"

"Scout,"

"Yes?"

"Get out of my face,"

**XxX**

"Are you French? Cause Ma_damn,_"

Before Miss Pauling could even reject Scout, Spy uncloaked from nearby, and promptly dragged Scout away by the ear; ignoring the cries of pain from the younger man.

**XxX**

"You make my software turn to hardware!"

Miss Pauling stopped typing at her computer and grabbed her clipboard. After whacking Scout across the face with said clipboard, she returned to typing on the computer. Scout rubbed his face as he sullenly walked away from Miss Pauling.

**XxX**

**Author rambles: **_I am putting this here at the bottom because I know how some people don't like to read the author notes. Anyway, I would like to thank you for reading this little story idea I came up with at three in the morning. Feel free to leave a review, critics are also welcome and appreciated. I will probably continue this, so feel free to PM me or leave a review with some bad pick up lines of your own. Thank you :D_


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Still do not own the rights to Team Fortress 2. **

**Warnings: More bad pick-up lines, innuendos**

**XxX**

"You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy,"

"Scout, I am from America, you know that,"

**XxX**

" Hey Miss P, how about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up!"

"If you value your job, you will leave me alone,"

**XxX**

"Those shoes are very becoming of you. But then again if I was on you I-"

"Finish that sentence and you will dearly regret it,"

"Playing hard to get huh, well I know something else that is hard,"

"Yes, well, I know someone who is about to get a major pay reduction,"

**XxX**

"Pretty sure that if you were a flower, you be a _damn_delion,"

"Scout, we talked about this,"

**XxX**

"Hey Miss P, might as well use this quarter to call up your roommate and tell her you aren't coming home tonight,"

"That's a bottle cap and I don't even have a roommate,"

"Didn't say you weren't coming home with me,"

"It's a given, Scout,"

**XxX**

"You know something Miss Pauling, you are the reason that men fall in love,"

"Thank you, and you are the reason as to why women don't,"

"Ouch,"

**XxX**

"I've been meaning to ask you, what's your sign?"

"Do not enter,"

**XxX**

"Hey Miss Pauling, you wanna know what this shirt is made of?"

"Not particularly, no,"

"_Boyfriend material_,"

"Oh my God,"

**XxX **

"I would die for you, Miss P,"

"Prove it,"

**XxX**

"Somebody call the cops, because it's illegal to look that good!"

"You want to know what else is illegal? Sexual harassment,"

**XxX**

"Do you have any raisins on you?"

"No, I don't,"

"How about a date?"

"I have my job to do, now if you will excuse me"

**XxX**

"If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable,"

"If I wasn't at risk to be fired, I would strangle you,"

**XxX**

Finally, after many other failed attempts, he just walked up to her calmly and said, "Greetings attractive human female. I have come to engage in explicit sexual activity with your vaginal cavity. Also, welcome to my dick."

"That's it. Come on Scout, it's time for you to get on some medication,"

**XxX**

**Author Rambles: **Meant to have this posted on Valentine's Day, oops. Thanks to _NathanVetterlien_ for your pick-up line, and _EnderGirl_ for reviewing, it really made my day. There is probably going to be one more chapter just because I still have a few pick-up lines I wanted to use, and this stupid little story needs a resolution. Many thanks.

**Edit 3/15/15: **Fixed a small typo that I didn't notice until now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately, my deal with Valve went south. I didn't get the rights to Team Fortress 2. **

**Warnings: Raunchy pick-up lines, innuendos, rushed and crappy ending.**

**XxX**

"Can't eat this bucket of fried chicken alone. I even saved you a thigh,"

"I'm not proud to admit this, but I have actually seen you eat an entire bucket of fried chicken,"

**XxX**

"Hey, I'm looking for treasure, can I look around your chest?"

"If you know what's good for you, you will pretend you never said that,"

**XxX**

"So, what does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?"

"I'm the _only _girl in this room,"

**XxX**

"Are you Swedish? Because you're the sweetish girl I've ever met!"

"I knew I would come to regret taking this job,"

**XxX**

"Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as blue as the ocean?"

"No. Perhaps it's because my eyes are green,"

**XxX**

"Do you know karate? Because your body is really kicking,"

"No. However I do know jujitsu, and I'm not afraid to use it on you,"

**XxX**

"If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever,"

"If _I _had a rose for every time I asked you to leave me alone, I would also be walking through that garden forever,"

**XxX**

"Was your father a cop? Because you have _fine _written all over you,"

"If you must know my father was a banker, and now I am really wishing I followed in his footsteps,"

**XxX**

**"**My life is sad and lonely without you,"

"You should probably have Medic check that out for you,"

**XxX**

"My friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous,"

"Friends? I was under the impression that you didn't have any,"

**XxX**

"Hey babe, not only am I strong, handsome, and sexy, but I can also make you a kickass French toast in the morning"

"Scout, I've had your cooking before, and frankly, it is terrible,"

**XxX**

"Hey Miss Pauling-"

"Tell you what Scout, if you agree to stop with all these stupid one-liners, I'll go out on a date with you,"

"Really? Like, you will actually go out with me?"

"Yes, although it will have to wait until my next day off,"

"Which is?"

"In three-hundred and sixty-three days,"

**XxX**

**Author Rambles: **And the award for "worst ending ever" goes to me! I'll admit, it is horribly rushed and pretty bad, but hey, at least it's over with. Anyway, thanks to_ LostPhysics_ and _Guest_ for reviewing, and a special thanks to_ LunarAutumn_ for the French toast pick-up line. I hope you enjoyed this final chapter. :D


End file.
